I have been playing video games for over 20 years. That’s no small amount of time, my friends. And during the past two decades, exposure to various elements of these games has to have seeped into my subconscious, right?
With this in mind, I sat down and scribbled a few thoughts as an attempt to make myself believe I don’t need therapy.
Delusion #1: I AM a X-Wing fighter pilot
Games: X-Wing, X-Wing vs. TIE Fighter, X-Wing Alliance, and Rogue Squadron
My extensive flight experience also includes time in Y-Wings, A-Wings, and other snub fighters. I am also proficient in YT-1300 freighters and can make the Kessel Run in under 12 parsecs.
Take that, scum of the Empire!
I have blown up the Death Star and participated in daring raids on Imperial space stations. For a short period I lapsed and flew a TIE fighter for the Empire. I’m better now.
Luke Skywalker? Screw that farm boy! I’m the Ace here!
The Reality: I’m an okay pilot… I tend to get blown up a lot. Note: I still think I’m a pilot…
Delusion #2: The Zombie Apocalypse
Games: Doom, Doom 2, Doom 3, Resident Evil, Quake, and Quake Arena
Gah!!!!
I find myself hesitant when it comes to turning corners. Zombies are always waiting for me there. Always. Zombie people, zombie dogs, zombie critters that shoot bolts of energy at me…
I pooped my pants when I ran into this guy…
Wouldn’t it be nice if, just once, a zombie would buy you a beer instead of trying to kill you? Though I suppose this notion plays against the zombie’s nature of eating human brains…
The Reality: I remember my brother-in-law waking from a nightmare screaming, "Die, pig-man! Die!" after we had played several hours of Doom. With the advent of new graphics technologies, I’m not too far behind him… The zombies look more realistic than ever.
Delusion #3: Everything is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, smothered with secret sauce
Games: Myst, Riven, and Myst: Exile
I recall playing the Myst series for hours on end. Totally immersive with brilliant surreal graphics and excellent audio, these games were sort of like mini-vacations to me.
I could retire here…
The puzzles in these games ranged from insanely cool to unbelievably frustrating. I mean, my God! How can you figure out something like this?
It took me forever to solve this…
Thank God that there weren’t monsters around to kill me as I played.
The Reality: I do actually think that everything is an enigma, but on a more metaphysical level. And we don’t currently have the mental capacity to unlock any of the answers.
Delusion #4: I AM a master tactician
Games: Command & Conquer, Battlefield 1942, Battlefield 2, Battlezone II, The Lord of the Rings – The Battle For Middle Earth
I’d be the guy on the white horse. You know… the guy about to die.
Napolean had nothing on me! I’d crush him like a ripe grape! Machiavelli? Yeah, right. He’d have no chance.
In this case, I would be the guy that the jet is about to crash on…
The Reality: I suck at these games. If applicable, I will build up the largest force possible and swarm the enemy. Sometimes this works; other times, it’s not even an option. That being said, I still find them fun – particularly Battlezone II. Why wasn’t a sequel to this great game ever created?
Delusion #5: I have several large mansions and many vehicles
Game: Star Wars Galaxies
PIC
When I played Galaxies I had two spaceships (one a yacht set up for large social events–very relaxing–and the other a jazzed up gunship), two large mansions, several mounts, a landspeeder and a swoop bike. I was rich, popular, and powerful. I even had a rare holographic pet.
The inside of one of my mansions. The little blue guy is Spot, my holographic AT-AT pet.
Yeah, that’s right… That’s me an’ Vader, partyin’. Sort of. He wasn’t very fun. Kepty rambling on about this chick he’d strangled in a fit of rage… Real buzz kill.
C’mon. Who wouldn’t want to live there?
The Reality: I wish. Oh, how I wish… I’m now opening a can of Vienna sausages for lunch. After that I have to do the dishes and fix a ceiling fan.
With the advent of new video game engines such as Infernal and Tech 4, I suspect my neuroses will get worse…
What about you? Ever had a video game stick with you? Sure ya have. Tell me about it below!
