You’ll never guess what he’s been up to…
Santa has been up to no good… thanks to the marketing blitz that Christmas brings. Not much is sacred anymore. And since Ol’ Saint Nick isn’t globally considered a religious figure, there are things done to his image in the name of brand/event recognition that would incite riots amongst the devout if he were among those chosen as religious icons.
In the spirit of the holidays, I’m startin’ out gently. And I’d recommend keepin’ the kiddies away from the monitor.
Santa # 1: Bio-Slim Diet Shakes
I believe this says, "Santa is fat and happy because he doesn’t have to wear a bikini."
I am as well. Just the idea of "a stomach that jiggles like a bowl full of jelly" mushrooming out of a tiny g-string… well, that scares me. And I doubt he’d wax the nether regions.
Santa in a bikini… That’s a Ho-Ho-No.
Santa # 2: Rexona
From what I can gather, this is an ad for foot deodorant. Those are some mighty potent stockings. What do these kids do for a living?
I’d prefer to believe that Santa had too much fun, came home, and eventually face-planted after a night of doing this:
Santa # 3: Bizarre Magazine
He’s naughty… not nice…
Santa showing his dark side… Smokin’ various substances. Getting all bloody in bar fights. Glommin’ on all da hot chicks.
This is the kind of Santa that Billy Bob Thornton would have used to inspire his performance in Bad Santa. Though he wouldn’t look too good delivering toys.
And Mrs. Claus would be pissed if she found out. You think the Tiger Woods affairs are news? The tabloids would have titles such as "Sin-ta Claus?" and "Have a Ho-Ho-Horny Christmas!"
But… if all of those activities were the case, you wouldn’t be able to stop him. He’s a spirit or elf or saint or something. He’d kick your ass, cross you off the "Nice" list, then do what he wanted.
But hopefully he’d remember…
Santa # 4: Cabbages & Condoms Thai Restaurant
The look on her face says she may be getting something from Santa for Christmas…
… to practice safe sex!
Yep. This Santa is adorned from head-to-toe in condoms of many colors. Except there’s no white for the beard (which confuses the hell outta me). And the yellow beard inspires no confidence in Santa’s safe sex activities…
"Ho-Ho-Hopin’ You Wrap the Rascal!"
Santa # 5: The Viral Brazilian Burning Santa
Anyone got a Tums? My stomach is killin’ me…
This would be more like "Ho-Ho… Ow! Owww! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Where are the elves when needed? Drunk in the local pub, I’d bet…
Apparently
this poor 50 ft. Santa in (oddly enough) Santa Catarina Brazil
accidentally caught fire. Word spread across the Internet and this
became an international sensation.
Though it’s kinda hard to see in this video, Santa’s in there somewhere…
Santa # 6: MettiaMoci Latesta.it
If you’re low on cash this year, this is the picture to show your kids.
Okay,
I get it. Santa is a dream and it is bad to kill a dream. But, holy
crap. Do ya have to chop his head off? Show him bloody, drunk, safely
adorned for copious amounts of sex, burning… Okay, I can deal with
that. But decapitated?!?!?!
Aside from something to show to a
really bad kid as a reason why he will be getting a bag of toe nail
clippings for Christmas, I can’t envision a reason for a decapitated
Santa…
Though that is quite a good reason.
Santa # 7: ABinbev
Now THIS is my kind of Santa. And look: he has a head.
SOURCES: Trend Hunter, Wikipedia, Buzzfeed, Ads of the World
